David Lynch’s ‘Eraserhead’ – Thoughts

So last week I finally got around to seeing a film I’ve been wanting to see for years. That film is David Lynch’s film ‘ Eraserhead. I can’t say that I thoroughly enjoyed the film yet I cannot say that I disliked the film. This being my first Lynch film, it offered so much to ingest in one viewing I had severe difficulty fully wrapping my head around it as the credits began to roll. A few days have gone by and certain elements of the film still perplex me, however I have managed to gather some thoughts on the film and I’d like to share them.

I want to begin by addressing what I found to be the most impressive aspect of the film. Which for me was the framing and  spectacular low light. Almost the entirety of the film is in a low-lit, and dim setting or room and Lynch still manages to have easily outlined subject and manageable viewing. The lighting at times was artificial where a fully dark room held a single light to illuminate an actor’s face but mainly it held to be very realistic with lamps and hall lights to be the source of the dim atmosphere. Along with the impressiveness visually of the lighting, it should also be discussed that the dimness of the film helps to create a very eerie and consistently uncomfortable foreboding tone throughout the film. Starting with it’s dreamlike opening and (what I assume to be a symbolic birth/conception of the baby or Henry’s journey into adulthood) opening shots, Lynch creates a sense that something is wrong or at least crooked, which as I have come to believe, most of his films do.

Now the framing, I’m a slut for symmetric framing which evidently were a majority of the exterior shots in the film. The black and white aesthetic along with the building and location scouting allow these shots to create an image for the entire outside world Henry lives in. A world driven by industrialization but the industry’s gritty underbelly where these characters live their lives. The combination of framing and lighting allowed the film to very easily direct our attention to specifically what we as audience members should be looking at.

The other specific element of the film that I feel should be addressed is the film’s stark and often over-exaggerated sound design. The film used plenty of noticeably foley-ed sounds throughout it along with prolonged sounds that carried over entire bits of dialogue that most films would muffle out. Lynch rather allows the viewer to dwell on these sounds to better understand and articulate the world surrounding the character and better impact the tone of the film. The film never lets up in terms of sound, there almost always is some sort of noise. This helps isolate the viewer in an essence of never being able to breath which thus signals us that we must remain alert and on edge throughout the film. The over exaggerated unpleasant sounds allow the unease of the film to flourish. The uncanny perplexity of the film’s universe helps viewers understand the oddity they are witness to and better disable their own understanding. The sound is distracting and yet helps fill in the hole of what type of world they live in: disorienting, cold, peculiar, and unsettling.

Now for my overall thoughts… It must be kept in mind that this film was hyped up to me for years by various YouTube videos and internet top tens of films. So I went into this film expecting something grand. Did I view something grand? It’s hard to say. As I mentioned I adored the sound, framing, and lighting of the film. But then, there’s the plot and yes this film does have a plot however, it blurs when it goes to what exactly the film was trying to say. Most films carry a message and people watch to receive the message or they watch to simply be entertained. Now this film is not a conventionally ‘entertaining’ film so one expects the peculiarity to hold some omnipresent message or some well-realized style to serve some purpose or meaning.

But I don’t think Eraserhead really has that.

It is a good movie. But it’s message doesn’t spring at you. After viewing some video essays and interview with Lynch I believe Lynch creates art to better emulate the freedom of interpretation rather than his own freedom of expression. Lynch wants us to be confused so we have to put on our big boy pants and grant our own meanings from what we experience. Which as I will explain, becomes quite meta for my interpretation of the film.

*insert David Lynch Hipster meme here*

Okay so as I started the film I essentially knew what it was about, I was familiar that the protagonist has a baby and the baby is a breathing baked potato / dinosaur hybrid and shit goes down from there.

In totality, I think the film is an overall cautionary tale of growing up too quickly or just adult hood in general.

The opening to me seemed to be a cross of a tonal overture and a symbolic montage showing the conception of the child to come later in the film. However a small part of the film, I believe the man covered in boils peering out the window is either some manifestation of ‘father time’ or a God figure, watching over the film’s world and pulling levers to designate what to come next.

The film is essentially about how Henry’s already boring and insincere life gets taken for a whacky trip once this unexpected baby gets introduced.  I think the reason Henry looks confused in almost every other shot he is in is because he basically is confused. He’s unsure of himself and the world around him because he grew up too quickly. He quietly watches the life around him crash and rock. The unexpected pregnancy alone can cause a normal young adult to throw into stressful hysterics, however one must attempt yo go through with the parenting. The mom leaves due to the baby’s crying and leaves Henry to care for it himself. Henry is too young to understand the life he is living and then constantly is searching for answers in a world that doesn’t even really supply questions. Similar to the film itself. It’s set up to give an expectation that is has some deep answers when in reality, it was even looking for questions to answer. Meta right?

Throughout the film, Henry repeatedly gets visited by a singing woman who lives in his air conditioner. (A sentence that would only sound feasible if it were about a Lynch film)

The woman first just stands on a stage crushing these fetal looking things that are reminiscent of Henry’s baby and later sings ‘In heaven, everything is fine’. This is showing one road of temptation for Henry. Henry is reminding himself there is the option to simply kill the baby and he subconsciously supports this with the claim that everything will be okay because he’s in heaven and according to air conditioner lady that’s totally fine.

Henry experiences the mental temptations as he undergoes and falls under mental and physical temptation by sleeping with the woman in the apartment opposite of him.

Henry eventually does go crazy and kill the baby and after goes insane through guilt and as a result & what I have to guess, either kills himself from the guilt or simply dies under shock and stress. He is lastly greeted by the air conditioner girl with a warm embrace surrounded by bright white light which directly contrasts the entirety of the film beforehand which supports the idea he is in a different world or at least a different place at the film’s end. So I conclude he dies at the end.

There is one sequence I do not understand however. A dream sequence where Henry’s head pops off and is then transported to a shack that uses his brain as an eraser. I’m going on a limb but I think the sequence has to do with a theme that adults can’t simply rid of their mistakes like an eraser or you can’t erase your thoughts? I say can’t rather than can since this sequence reveals to be a dream later on so maybe Henry wishes his thought or mind or life could be erased from memory or literally erased.

My only complaint in the film is it’s pacing, which is more for the style and ambiance of the world but man this is a bit of a slow movie at times.

‘Eraserhead’ tells of the dangers of growing up. From struggling responsibilities or temptations, or even the mundanity of repetition of boredom of blue collar life.

But then again I only saw it once what the fuck do I know?

8.5 E.T. Baked Potato Babies / 10





Why The Early-Bird Gets the Worm & Shit

Whenever I tell my friends that I wake up at 6:30 5 days a week they often look at me perplexed as to why I would put myself through that. I’m here to tell you why I do. Because simply, for me it’s not very hard and also I think it’s an amazing choice someone can make to improve their lifestyle

So as I said, 5 days a week I wake up at 6:30 and get to the gym by 7:30 at the latest. The other two days I use for rest and catching up on sleep. However I normally am out of bed by 10:00.

I actually told a friend about this a few days ago and they replied with ‘I do not have the willpower’. Now I will admit I am at an advantage. Ever since I was young I have always been a very early riser and a morning person. So re-implementing it into my life now was not as much of a big adjustment as it would be for other people.


I think the overall benefit of waking up early outweighs the detriment of waking up early. Yeah, there is definitely a difficulty one must overcome and that is the basic element of waking up early, most people don’t want to do that. They wake up, they still feel tired and they don’t want to get out of bed. I feel the same way trust me. Up until I get to the gym I feel hazy and irritable.

Now here’s why I still think it’s amazing to wake up early. In my own life for example I finish up at the gym by 9:00 and I get home and am showered by 9:45. I may be in the unpopular opinion but I adore the fact that I am showered, done with the gym and ready to start the rest of my day when most people my age are still asleep. You get to feel so accomplished which gives you a motivational pep for the rest of your day. It automatically makes you feel more productive. And it may be obvious but it gives you much more time to get things done throughout the day. Depending on who you are that’s more time with friends, more hours at work or more time to pursue your personal hobbies.

One thing that has always bothered me is people who sleep in till 11-12 or the rare time when I sleep in that late. Why wouldn’t people want to actually do something and get stuff done rather than lay in bed and consequently cram yourself for later. I find it annoying when I realize I slept away a portion of my day.

Bottom line is, waking up early leads to more productivity. And it should be universally acknowledged that more productivity = good thing.

However, I do believe that people should have days where they let themselves sleep in. I use Friday and Saturday as my sleep-in days. I let myself sleep in as much as my body allows, which even then is only 9-10AM. These days are important because admittedly, waking up as early as I do and never drinking coffee does get difficult. For example, right now I am pretty drained but I’m going to make a FMUF post about that.

But at the end of the day, looking at my week and productivity from an outside perspective… I am proud of myself. I get up earlier than when I want to and I become more productive and enjoy long fulfilling days.

10/10 Dentists Recommend You Add Waking Up Early To Your Weekly Routine

P.S. To help the effectiveness of this lifestyle alteration… no naps

– Mitch

My First Kiss Story

I was on a boy scout trip in the Bahamas…

No really, that’s how this story starts…

I was on a boy scout trip in the Bahamas. I was just a 15 year old, so innocent, so naive, so hormonal. The trip is called ‘Sea Base’ and essentially it’s meant to be a ‘high adventure’ trip where you live on a boat for a week while sailing around the islands of the Bahamas, visiting islands here and there.  Our troop is split into two groups which then live on two different boats. Now by boats I mean pretty small sailboats, these spaces are small. It’s essentially split up with 16 and below and 16 and above and then the kid’s dads who went on the trip. My father was one of them.  We go to the airport and fly on over to the Orlando airport and then go on another plane which was a flying metal death trap which fortunately did get us there in one piece. Once off the plane we received a lovely ride from a taxi – which essentially was a run down mini van – to the boat marina and headed on out.

I would like to take a quick side-note and say that I started puberty in like sixth grade so by the time of this trip and I had the ability to grow a beard so I looked older than I was.

Anyway, a few days into the week we head to an island with a club called ‘Nipper’s’ (yes, that’s real). Now when I say club, it was in the Bahamas so I’m talking about what a club would look like in day time, open patios as the dance floors and if it were made of brightly painted wood… and it had a swimming pool. So if you can imagine a bunch of rich and successful adults on their tropical vacations and sprinkle in about 8 awkward boy scouts you pretty much have this day in a nutshell. Now, Bahama island and a club with a bar and music… needless to say there were plenty of pretty girls there.

So let me fully set the scene here, club in the Bahamas, pretty girls, 8 very young boy scouts and four dads drinking.

With adolescent boys in this environment and people’s dad edging us on… the day basically became a game of who can get with a girl for the day. My father was  drinking but he never got fully drunk, just loosened up enough to make the most of his day. So he’s off making friends, specifically female friends in bikinis, while myself and the other scouts are either relaxing or racing to flirt with someone. The first one to make a move gets lucky and starts dancing with another girl. After about 20-30 minutes my dad comes over to me and tells me to go look at him again.

This boy got a boner and either he didn’t notice or he didn’t give a shit. 

Apparently the girls my dad was talking to were laughing at the guy and my dad eventually noticed it was one of our group members, so we all start cracking up and made fun of him for the rest of the trip about it.

Now, I at the time was aware of a few things, one I have a huge age difference to any girl there so no point in trying and two I’m overweight and still have that awkward constant  adolescent glaze of un-comfy that comes as backlash of puberty. So I consider it pretty stupid to go and even try to talk to anyone. Instead I simply am enjoying my time and relaxing. Some other guys agreed with me and join me on this ledge where we just sat and talked.

My dad walks over to us and he’s exaggerating his tipsiness in an attempt to get us to loosen up and ‘have more fun’ even though I was pretty content. He starts talking to us. A paraphrase.

“This is pathetic. You’re in the Bahamas surrounded by beautiful women and you’re just sitting here? Jesus Christ come on!” he said. Now this isn’t exactly what he said since it happened so long ago but I remember the word ‘pathetic’ specifically because obviously having your own father call you pathetic for not being ‘man’ enough to talk to girls kind of has an effect on a kid with low self-esteem and identity issues.

So I’m not just mad, I’m disappointed

In myself? In my dad? A bit of both I suppose. I’m mad at my dad and I’m also upset with myself. But nonetheless,  we continue our day and we all have fun. The boner guy ended up kissing that girl he was dancing with and for us young scouts, that was a big deal. After our day we head back to the boat and sail to another island and rest for the night.

Were you expecting that I had my first kiss there? Haha nah… you wait

The rest of the trip goes by and we are now on our last full day and night of visiting islands. The next day we head back to the dock and head on home. So we find this island with a restaurant which will be having a fireworks display that night and we figure better end the trip with a bang.

You also may be thinking ‘this doesn’t sound like a Boy Scout trip or that the title ‘high adventure’ isn’t appropriate’… yeah, you’re right… moving on.

We head to an island that apparently was on National Geographic’s top ten beaches in the world and holy hell… it was beautiful.

Let me map out the island so we can understand the following nights events. Starting on our boat, you get on a smaller boat and head to a dock. The dock leads to a small bar/lounge area with a band playing. called ‘The Tipsy Seagull’ You walk about five minutes into the island from there you find the restaurant we ate at and the actual beach.

Now, we walk on the island and get to the restaurant. We sit and have our dinner, and as we eat, some guy right by us is singing covers of famous songs which was entertaining. He sang ‘Sweet Caroline’ and kept messing up the words which was super funny.

We’re eating dinner and all, having some grub, we look over, and we see a group of 5 or 6 college girls stroll into the restaurant across the room from us. Immediately we start whispering about who’s gonna walk over and talk to them. Our entire group is together, so we have people ranging from 14-18. As dinner proceeds, nothing happens, our group is just having fun. They begin the fireworks and apparently Bahama fireworks is just one bottle rocket every ten minutes. The fireworks are fun and we start walking back to the Tipsy Seagull to relax until we go back to the boat. But as we walk, we hear a car and girls ‘wooo’-ing. For any ‘How I Met Your Mother’ fans, you know what kind of ‘woo’ I’m talking about. We look closer and realize.

It’s the same girls from the restaurant.

So now we end up in the same are, they are about 20 feet from our group and it becomes a test of ‘who’s gonna talk to them first’. So rewind a second, back when we were at the restaurant, the guy doing the song covers sang happy birthday to one of the girls. Fast forward back to present, our one scout Dan remembers this and uses it as his ‘in’. He approaches them and asks to see the birthday girl to wish her a happy birthday. So he broke the barrier and now the other scouts swarm over like a moth to a flame. People are essentially picking whichever girl they are trying to flirt with and talk solely to them. Also, there is about a 2 to 1 ratio of us guys to these girls.

A few other scouts and I stay back because we don’t really see the point in approaching people we will never see again. However, my father and boner kid’s dad are talking to this one girl. They talk and such and the woman asks my dad.

“Where’s the guy in the brown shirt?”

And guess who was wearing a brown shirt that night…


My dad runs over, grabs me by the shirt, runs back over to the girl and asks “This guy in the brown shirt?”. Her eyes widen as she says “Yeah” and nods. My dad pats me on the back and runs away. It’s just me and her. Now I again had no real interest in talking to this person. I never understood the concept of making a connection with someone when I was fully aware I’d never see them again. However, I though back to my dad at ‘Nippers’ and what he said, so I thought to myself… fuck it. I start talking to this girl (remember this happened almost 4 years ago so I really don’t remember the details of our conversation) and she asks how old I was. She was 19, I actually was 15. But remember I looked old for my age, so I managed to convince her I was 18.

Two other quick things, she was a little tipsy that night so that may have helped the fact that she believed a 15 year old was 18 because even with my mature facial hair, that still was a stretch. You may also wonder how a 19 year old woman was drunk at a public bar and that because the legal drinking in the Bahamas is however much money you got if you get my drift. I was sober because I didn’t drink at the time.

So we continue talking and such and eventually boner kid’s dad come by with his disposable canon camera and asks for a photo. He was one of those dads that tried to photograph every event of the trip. Throughout the conversation thus prior, I was sitting across from the girl but when he asked for a photo I used this as an opportunity to sit next to her. I sit next to her and put my arm around her; the camera clicks and my arm stays around her.

*’Damn it feels good to be a gangsta’ plays in background as 15 yr old me slides on fake Ray Bans*

A little while later we go to the dance floor and we do grindy dances and such. This was also the first time I ever did that kind of dancing so I probably looked like a hybrid of a fish out of water and a baby deer learning to walk. The band began playing one of the same four songs we heard all week. (Apparently the Bahamas don’t have much music diversity so they play the same things) As we dance we look around and realize we are grinding, but we’re also surrounded by only ten year olds or younger. Awkward. So we leave and go to a new seat with some of the other guys and girls.

On our way to the new seat I see my dad talking to a woman. I got nervous because this woman wasn’t some college student he’s jokingly flirting with this was an adult woman his age. Then the girl whispers to me that they asked my dad to hang with her mom so she wouldn’t get hit on all night by other drunk dads. So my dad is currently talking to the mother of the girl I’m with.

We’re now sitting with a group of a bunch of people, some of the girls and some of the guys. The girls and guys are having shots but I’m chilling because I wasn’t exposed to sin in my life yet. One of the guys says a joke and we all start laughing and then as we’re laughing the girl and I look at each other, and it’s ‘the look’. Not like Nala from ‘The Lion King’ bedroom eyes, but rather just a look of ‘what’re we bout to do?‘.

I think about my dad. Now I know what you’re saying… why am I thinking about my dad right before I’m about to have my first kiss. Look, his words earlier really insulted me and pissed me off so at this point I just wanted to prove his ass wrong that I wasn’t pathetic and could get a girl if I tried.

I saw her leaning in and closing her eyes.

I needed to show him I can be a man.

I lean in too.

So I did.

And we start making out. No peck. No elongated peck. Just lips, then tongue. Just like that. And the girls are recording this on their phones and we laugh it off and then keep kissing.

Around this time, the girl’s mom glances over at us and says to me dad. “Huh, your son is making out with my daughter over there.”

We keep talking with random pauses to make out throughout the rest of the night. And as I look around, I begin to notice that I only see one boat of boy scouts at the place. And it’s the other boat. No one in my group is left to be found except my dad and I. I go ask one of the guys where everyone was and I find out.

They left to go back to their boat without me because they noticed I was a little busy.

So I’m panicking because I don’t think I have any other way back to the boat now. And as I left and figure out how I’m getting back to the boat, the girl disappears. I shrug it off to give her some space and I dance with some of the other guys, as we look around I see her sitting down with her friends, and some other guy sitting right next to her being buddy-buddy.

So ya know I need to assert my dominance over this other guy. I walk over to her and I say hi and ask to dance, she says she’s busy but kisses me. We kiss for a few seconds and I walk away to my guys. They all tell me the guys’s face was priceless as this was going on.

Sadly the night went on and the girl was with the guy and I was with my fellas until it was time to go. I get my things and I go up to the girl, say my goodbyes and give her one last kiss. And we leave for the boat. As I get on the boat and in my sleeping area, I see a figure start to approach me. It was boner kid’s dad and he gave me a hi-five and then left.

And that is the story of my first kiss.


My Freshman Year With 10 Tips

 “Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.”

― Mark Twain

Aaaaahh, college. As I mentioned in my last post, I have just finished my freshman year at Temple University as a Film/Video Production major. People ask me how the year went and in a full honest answer…


Not the greatest thing to ever happen in my life but overall, far from the worst. Some of my friends talk to me about going to college and they’ll describe it as ‘the best thing to ever happen to them’ and I genuinely can’t relate to that statement. Don’t get me wrong for some people the college transition is exactly what they need in order to grow and prosper as an individual and I am overjoyed my friends all had such a great first year. That just wasn’t the case for me. Don’t worry I’m not looking for your empathy or pity because it wasn’t bad by any means, just not a peak in my life that’s all.

For a few bits of background context before I get into details of the school year. So Temple University, my main reason for going there was due to Temple being the best options out of the places that accepted me. A better wording would be me settling for Temple because admittedly, I didn’t want to go there when I looked for school, however, it ended up proving itself as an unbelievable right choice. But, the other main reason for me going there was my two best friends [throughout my entire blog I will be using fake names] John and Andrew. John was my best friend since kindergarten and Andrew became good friends with us in middle school. We since have been a tight trio and now we all go to the same school. However none of us roomed together.

Next, I went into college newly single. I had broken up with my girlfriend Ana for reasons I won’t get into right now. Bottom line about that, I’m stupid, moving on. So, I went into the year single as fuck and hoping to have new experiences ya know mingle a little, have some fun, maybe do some crack, ya know see what happens… I’m lying about the crack thing.  *sniffles*

Now since college is a learning institution… and an ENTIRE new life experience, it’s safe to say I learned a few things here and there. So I’d like to share them with you now and allow these tips to also let me flow through the anecdotes and important bits of my Freshman year I’d like to share with you all.

So here we go.

1.Know Who Your Roommate Is Before Room & Board Assignments

I put this first because this is where I find the stem for most of the negative shit that happened to me throughout the year. Okay, so if your college has any system that allows you to talk to people through an app or Facebook, in an effort to help you find a suitable roommate you think you may be compatible with… fucking do that. I attempted that but no one really clicked with me (AKA they stopped responding to me or they were spoiled brats who needed their own bathroom or wanted to stay in the expensive buildings) [Jokes on you assholes we ended up with our own bathroom anyway so HAH]. The day where freshman housing opens came along and I knew if I waited to find someone I wouldn’t have the housing I wanted because they would book up. So I found a 4-person suite (suite is a heavy word, it was two dorm rooms connected to one another… but we did have a bathroom to ourselves so idk moving on) with no one in it and put myself in there and said to myself ‘if I find someone I’ll tell them to get this room and BAM’.

Well, after a few weeks I get a message from two of my roommates who will be in the other room connected to mine. They seem totally cool however they were friends for awhile so throughout they year they pretty much had their own thing going on in their room and there was nothing wrong with that by any means, just how that turned out.  However… I go in one day to make sure it’s still empty so I can still search for my roommate and what do you know, the spot’s filled in. Dude I never heard of before, I search him on every social media and find nothing. So I email him and give my number and hope to get to know him since we’re living together. Three more emails and four months later he texts me and we start talking and I already can tell something is a little off. I asked him to tell me about himself he says he is lazy, undecided major, and the only thing I manage to get out of him that resembled a hobby or passion was video games. So I already think this kid is going to be a little odd but once I meet him and move in he doesn’t seem as bad. We have a few short conversations here and there. But then it gets quiet…. And basically stays that way for the rest of the fucking year. I am not exaggerating when I say we exchanged maybe 40 sentences the whole year… tops.

Don’t get me wrong it was super easy to live with him, he barely spoke and never complained about a thing. By the second semester, I was so used to the quiet when would make noise or fart in his sleep (which he did a lot) I would get full-heartedly annoyed at him. Like boi shut up.

You may ask ‘Well why didn’t you talk to him more? Try and socialize!’ and well our issue was that we were both quiet people. He’s inside and out fully introverted, and I’m introverted until I’m with at least one person to help me loosen up. Basically, I need a social step stool in the form of an extroverted friend. So since that was not my roommate, we just never ended up talking.

Now I consider this as a tip and a launch pad for my other problems because, when you start college, the schools holds all of these social events and also everyone on the floor goes to meet one another on the first night. It’s a very forced but needed form of socializing in a new environment. But with Billy I didn’t have enough extroverted-ness to do any of this, let alone do it by myself so in a chain of events, I rarely went out to meet new friends and my first semester I had basically no new friends.

Which Brings Me 2

2. Force Yourself To Be Social

It is SO much easier said than done, but you need to be social. Force it to happen. I had very little courage at the start of the year. I was always nervous I would sound stupid or embarrass myself or people wouldn’t like or blah blah blah blah. Look, picture this, you walk up to someone and spark a conversation and it goes horrible, there’s awkward silence and you two just don’t click. You wanna know what happens next, you leave and never see them again. Try again! Eventually you will hook someone and then BAM friend made and you’re golden.

Also if you followed step 1, you’ll already have your roommate with you and you two can be social wingmen with each other and start up your own squad. Being social is always easier with one other person, if you can get to that step you are set.

Nervous? Guess what? Everyone is! Every freshman like you is on their own for the first time in a new place and desperately looking for new people to meet. They all are feeling what you are just expressing and acting on it differently. So put on your social smile and make a friend right fucking now. GO

Now this is a tip because I did not do this and again, my first semester I had basically no friends at college other than Andrew and John. So anecdote time.

I remember Temple held this big ol’ festival carnival thing as one of it’s ‘Welcome Week’/’Meet Friends’ events so people obviously went. I went alone, I forget what my other roommates were doing but nonetheless I went alone. My plan was throw on some Mitchell charm and just join a group of people or just socialize till I find a group to stick with. I remember walking to it, I was across a one way street from it and I saw so many people, carnival lights flashing, a DJ playing music (probably ‘Closer’ remixes). I stopped and looked at everything and I made my first mistake which was starting to think.

Sidenote: I overthink a fuckton if I never mentioned it

I am now frozen across from this ‘meet & greet’ freshman carnival and I realize everyone is in a group. My dumb mind then got worried about people judging me because I’m alone and I feel my chest get really heavy, my eyes begin darting, and I start playing with my hands. I never experienced social anxiety before but I literally became scared to go and talk to someone, scared in the sense of my body was shutting down. Not just a ‘face-your-fears’ scared but a physically dysfunctioning reaction to this. I don’t know how to properly articulate it but I turned around and went straight back to my dorm. Since then, for the remainder of the semester, I developed really bad social anxiety whenever I went to any of my classes or went to the gym or whatnot. I became scared to socialize. This problem eventually resolves itself a bit, I’m still introverted but luckily my anxiety went down.

3. Make Time For & Actually Go To The Gym

Very simple but oh so important. I’ve never steadily gone to a gym or been on an exercise schedule. However, I never really liked what I saw in the mirror. I always wanted to apply myself to lose weight or gain muscle I just never could stick to it. I remember two friends saying how they would go to the gym regularly, that being 3-5 times a week, throughout the whole year. I spoke to them one month into the year and they already were saying ‘yeah I gotta go back, haven’t been there in awhile… I just never have time’. You are at college. You make your time. Make time for the gym. Both semesters I managed to go to the gym 5 days a week. Beyond very obvious health benefits, the exercise is a super easy morale booster and releases some nuero thing that makes you happy. Flunked a test? Bench press away your self-loathing. Stressed? Blow off some steam and jog a mile. If you can implement a gym schedule into your college life, you will see, mental, physical, and emotional improvements.

The anecdote for this is for the first time I have stuck to the gym and am now starting to take my health more seriously. I am in the best shape of my damn life. I thank a lot of my mental glow up to my gym schedule along with my physical glow up. Idk shameless plug because I’m proud of myself…*Throws Confetti*

4. Get In Control Of Your Shit

Similar to #3, at college you control almost everything going on around you. I see so many people at college make horrible choices just because they can because they are at college. The same people who drink and smoke every night are the same people who complain about being swamped by school work or bad grades in class. Take care of your shit, you’re an adult so act like one. Take your actions seriously and consider repercussions. I know I’m sounding overly adult but, you can go to a party anywhere at any time in your life no matter what but you’re in college for only four years so don’t fuck yourself over.

Also understand this relates to health too, keep track of personal hygiene and whatever ‘healthy option’ the dining halls are offering, stick with that or a salad. You’re gonna wreck yourself if you eat pizza and waffles everyday for a year. Eat like shit, feel like poop.

Make sure you fully understand everything is the product of your choices so if you get a control of your life and your shit, you shouldn’t have many problems.

5. Choose a Job or Clubs

Another reason I made no friends first semester was because I never joined any clubs. I got a job instead. Although some of my closest friends of the year ended up coming from my job the next semester so eventual win/win?…

There are a few factors involved in which one to choose. It all comes down to priorities. My main priority is how am I going to make money to be a substantial human and ya know… afford things. So naturally I put clubs on the back burner while I got myself a steady job with steady hours. Now if your main priority is to make friends or to get involved’ or ‘give back’ to your school, obviously go with clubs. Now you may want both of these things, like I did, then you have to look at how much you end up spending a week and how you will get that money. Do you come from a family where money isn’t much of an issue… then first off lucky you and second you can join clubs and just ask for an allowance of sorts for spending. If you are like me and are super low on money then you bite the bullet, get the job, and find other ways to get involved later on. Also you may prioritize a ‘have fun in college, working is for after’ mentality over a ‘work as soon as you can to get a quicker outcome of income and success’. I personally prefer the latter so I prefer the job.

Now I got a job at a nearby Barnes & Noble but do to my past experience as a Panera Bread Employee, they often put me in the store’s Cafe serving Starbucks Products. Now some college are basic desk jobs where they let you do your homework and you do very little. My job was a basic consistent workflow in the sense that there is always something to be done even when there are no customers. With that, we weren’t allowed to do homework so I was often always on my feet working. Also as I previously mentioned one of my first new friends of the school year was actually my assistant manager and some of my co-workers, so silver lining?

6. Be Prepared To Still Have Classes About Shit You Don’t Care About

Freshman: “I’m so ready to learn about things that interest me!”

Gen-Eds: “Honey, you got a big storm comin’”

Nuff’ said.

7.You’re Going To Have Shitty Professors

If anyone from my film class is reading this you know who I’m talking about. However it’s a common fact of college. No campus is going to have 100% helpful, easy, and insightful professors. It’s better that you simply accept this fact and when you come across this professor you make the most of it and have someone to joke with about how fucked you both are or how dumb the professor is.

8. No One Cares How Much You Party and Have Sex

Congrats, you got SSsSSssSOOOoooOooOOoOOO drunk last week at Cosma Kappa Alpha Fettuccine Kappa Omega Chai Latte Kappa Sigma Frappucini. Congrats you hooked up with the hot girl/guy you met on tinder. Here’s someone else that’s sooo cool. At the end of the day no one gives a shit. This tip is more geared at those who don’t party much. If you do get sooo drunk after you had two mixed cups of jungle juice and four apple-bong hits that’s great! Whatever tickles your fancy but, the point I’m trying to make is, no one is going to judge or really worry about whether you party or not. If you’re an individual who has never or rarely parties or rarely does the hook-up scene, there is absolutely no reason you should feel pressured or belittled by people or even friends that do those things often. If you’re making new friends and they ask if you smoke or party and you say ‘no’ they may be curious why but they are never going to make you feel bad for it.

For example it wasn’t until this year I dabbled in those things, specifically second semester. First semester people would ask me and when I said ‘no’ the most consistent response I got was ‘that’s cool, I respect that’. I always kept it as this voice in the back of my head saying that those who did these things had some power over me or were cooler than me and the more and more I mentioned it to new people I noticed not a single person gave a negative response. Why? Because no one gives a shit. So do what makes you happy and don’t worry about it.

9. Know What To Care About & What Not To

I’ll need to explain this a little bit. I initially was going to make this tip titled “Care Less” but I didn’t want to give the notion to be apathetic toward everything. Then obviously you won’t get anything done. However I’ll use myself as an example throughout the year. The biggest thing I cared about and still struggle with is prioritizing the effect I have on people. Do people like being around me, do I make people laugh and be happier, bottom line… do people like me? When I struggled to open up and approach people at the beginning of the year it was heavily due to my fear of people thinking I was weird or annoying so I just became very quiet and rarely spoke to others to simply avoid that kind of confrontation. In my film classes, I was always worried about how other students thought of my film projects and assignments so I overly criticized myself to counteract what every student critiqued on my projects. This led me to become a perfectionist and I then never put out anything I’m wholeheartedly proud of because I always thought someone isn’t going to like it every aspect of it. I kept drilling other’s judgement into my own perception of my work.

I kept in touch with my ex for the year and we remain very close friends. Two months or so after the breakup I heard about her hooking up with someone else. Breakups are never easy and hearing about the next person they were with after you sure as hell isn’t a walk in the park either. I began letting this and her new life control my happiness. I was concerning myself so much in her business. Day she was with him turned into a shitty day with occasional anxiety attacks, day she wasn’t- simple easy breezy beautiful covergirl day.

The first semester of my freshman year of college was a period of my life where I let outside forces and people control and manipulate my emotions and actions to a degree I’ve never encountered before. I was lonely, I was depressed and I knew I was self sabotaging my own happiness by my pathetic over thinking and prioritization of outside opinions and actions. That was until I realized something…

Fuck. That.

If you go about your freshman year confining yourself into the expectations of others, you’re never going to get anything accomplished by the means of personal growth. You cannot allow other people inside your head. You head is your space for you to think about you. This tip is suggesting you to care less about the unimportant bullshit like impressing your friends with your pong abilities, and worrying about getting rejected by the hot person in Psych 101. You can’t let these little things affect you. It’s only going to bring you down and destroy you from the inside out.

Freshman year is about growth, so focus on yourself and grow but never forget to…

10. Keep Smiling

Look, I remember during Christmas break, Andrew asked me how I would rate my first semester 1-10. I very genuinely said 2 maybe 3. It was not good and I did not have a good time. I let negative elements manipulate my life and make me feel like shit. During Christmas break I was at a friend’s Christmas get together and I remember for at least two hours I said little to nothing because I was in my own head manipulating myself. ‘Why am I not having fun’ ‘How are you surrounded by your closest friends and still unhappy’. So the next day [New Year’s Eve] I made the New Year’s resolution to stop sabotaging my happiness. I forced positivity into my life. I started a journal, I made a ‘Cheer Up’ playlist on Spotify, and lastly I gave myself one night a week to dedicate to myself and my enjoyment. Every Wednesday I went to the Philadelphia Art Museum and looked at Claude Monet paintings and wrote poetry. You have no idea how important devoting time to self-love actually can be until you implement it into your life. If you’re sad, play that one song that always makes you wanna dance. Like forcing yourself to be social, you have to force positivity unto yourself.

Force yourself to look at life with a smile. Once you do that you’re halfway there. Now go give yourself a reason to smile. There you go.


Flawed Flawlessness

Get To Know Your Favorite Neighborhood Trash Can

An Intro Post About What Made Me, Me

BEFORE I START: Some things I may not get specific about and that is because I will eventually give the topic it’s own blog post.

I have been pushing this off for the past few days for multiple reasons.

  1. I’m nervous to fully start this whole ‘blog thing’
  2. I get uncomfortable when I think about articulating who I am

So, we’re off to a good start.

My name is Mitchell, you can call me Mitch, Mitchell McSexy, that guy with the beard, or Daddy (if you’re into that). I am 18, soon-to-be 19 years old. I am a rising Sophomore Film Major at Temple University. My passions and hobbies are movies, musicals, music, poetry, and photography.

Let’s see how a little ho became a grown ho.

In Elementary School I was the one kid who would talk to himself and aimlessly run around alone at recess. Quite literally I went through a phase where I would ‘meditate’ and pretend to do some witchcraft-voodoo-black magic mumbo jumbo and hope to teleport somewhere else and live out some alternate destiny like I was in a movie. Which I thought I was; looking back I realized most of my actions that made me weird and got me in trouble at school was because I was re-enacting what I saw on TV. But we can look into that more at a later date.

Very early on my parents tried to do the normal parent thing and sign me up for sports teams in the area. At a very young age I played soccer and baseball. I loved soccer and hated baseball, I remember playing backfield in baseball and every time a ball came my way instead of picking up the ball and throwing it … ya know, what you’re supposed to do… I would instead just kick it around with my Adidas cleats enjoying my one-man soccer match. Eventually I convinced my parents to stop signing me up for baseball and I also later realized soccer, a sport heavily centered on cardio, was not meant for my chubby self. However, that’s not what made me quit.

One year a little after all the kids signed up for their sports, my dad comes up to me and begins talking to me. Now, for some background info, my father was a football coach in his younger years and also came from a football loving family. So, he begins telling me how soccer players never got the prettiest girls but the football players always got the pretty girls. Football is what the girls liked. He also mentioned how if I was meant to play soccer, I would’ve been good by then. He would bring this up every now and again. That was the last year I played soccer. Years later I was talking with my mom about the sports I used to play and she also mentioned how I “sucked”.

Disclaimer: My parents are fucking amazing and supportive as hell, I just have a habit of remembering negative events of my past rather than positive. Don’t think I had shitty parents because I did not.

So that next year after monthly reminders that “I am made for football” and “I have the body for football” and “I’ll love football”… I played one season of football. This first attempt at football I don’t remember much of but here’s what I do remember. One of my coaches looked like Rocky. I sucked because I couldn’t get aggressive enough, and every week I almost didn’t make weight because I was one of the rounder kids on the team. Before every game I had to dress down to my sport underwear (Idk what the technical name is but whatever) to get rid of the 5lbs of pads in the uniform. That always took me like 40 minutes alone because I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I also would purposefully eat a lot the night before a game in a personal attempt at not make weight and thus not have to play. I  was put on B line since I sucked and I remembered my other players used to make fun of me for my size and lack of skill at the sport and again, I was a quiet weird ass kid who didn’t want to be there soooooo… I kind of had a solid 9 different targets reading “make fun of me” on at all times.

It was then in sixth grade and the rest of my adolescence where I realized I was overweight compared to most kids my age. Well, I thought about it a whole lot more, let’s say that. Since birth I was a chubby kid and my parents constantly allowing me to buy two full-sized kids menu dinners every time we went out never really helped matters. This never really bothered me early on, I actually used it to my advantage to be ‘popular’. In fourth grade I managed to create a running joke that I seriously LOVED chocolate, like unhealthily obsessed with the stuff, like on my mind 24/7. Okay yeah… don’t get me wrong I liked chocolate but I consciously exaggerated it in order to get my classmates to laugh. It wasn’t until I looked back on it that I realized that they were just laughing at the stereotype of a fat kid liking chocolate. Cute.

To be totally honest I wasn’t even really ‘fat’, I was more-or-less just on the big side, but I viewed myself as fat. You may wonder why I always put myself down but all will make sense soon enough.

*Drops Smoke Bomb*

Then when I was in 7th grade I tried football again. This experience has a story I can definitely make another post of it’s own but… long story short I start having potential at fitting in and being good at football but one week into practicing with pads I break my arm at practice and I am consequently out the whole season. I stayed a good sport and basically became a mix of the water boy and equipment manager (*insert ‘Drake & Josh’ reference) for the rest of the season. But I took the experience as life telling me I am not meant for football. But I never told my dad that, I just found excuses to not play again.

Also! Funny story. Puberty came after my ass at like 6th grade and I managed to grow a full-on beard by the beginning of 8th grade. I am VERY hairy… like all over not just my face. And high school swim classes kind of sucked when you’re already self conscious about your weight and then people also laughed at your hairy nipples and chest when you went swimming.

Okay so let’s delve in 7th grade, so quite honestly this was the year I came out my shell and became the hyper little shit we all know and love today. That is thanks to a girl I had a crush on for the entire school year. My whole experience of becoming more extroverted was due to me trying time and time again to win the girl over. Make her laugh, seem fun and lighthearted… anything! I kept trying, getting more and more rambunctious with my antics, especially in public. Our group of friends almost weekly would go to an outdoor shopping center by our town and see a movie and when we did that I’d find more and more ways to be whacky. I later realized it was me being a complete asshole teenager thinking the world revolved around me and my cookie monster flat rim. Nevertheless my efforts only led me to a horrid spot in the friend-zone. At the time it really sucked but I began realizing the girl was a total manipulative bitch who feeds off using people *insincere chuckle*. Basically the Regina George of the seventh grade sub-par cool kids clique. So we had a big fight once she realized I started talking behind her back a little (I was just asking if anyone noticed her changing but it was just me taking off my rose-colored glasses so I started seeing the red flags). We later made up because obviously we both matured with age but we didn’t really become friends again. Just another face in the hallway that jets you back to a past you both pretend you forgot but deep-down know the whole ordeal changed you both in one way or another. But ya know, we just exchange eye contact and then just looked down and kept walking. Works for me.

Alright 8th grades rolls around and that’s pretty uneventful except one thing. *REWIND a few years*. My mom is out for the night and my dad rents “The Shining” at ‘Hollywood Video’ (yeah remember that shit? Renting DVDs am i right?) Anyway, we watch the movie and I really liked it. *FAST FORWARD to present* Anyway, one night I’m bored so I start looking into stuff about ‘The Shining’ and I’m utterly enlightened.

For those that don’t know, ‘The Shining’ has an insane amount of fan theory and analyses of the film and it’s meaning. Along with that, the director Stanley Kubrick, is famous for his intense perfectionism and took sometimes over 100 takes of a scene to get the performances right. I was amazed. I never knew a movie could be so deeply interpreted and so intricately created. I began thinking about the film and how crazy it was that Stanley Kubrick knew how to properly scare people with such a unique film. I quickly became very interested in film and have since known my passion belongs to filmmaking. Trust me if you stay in touch with this blog, you’ll understand that film is my passion.

Okay I’m gonna be very broad with my high school years because of most of the things will probably get their own post.

Okay high school speed round.

And GO

Freshman Year: Simple enough transition, I join theatre and that becomes a huge part of my life, by the time the year ends I begin to have negative thoughts about my body.

Sophomore Year: You know how everyone has their emo year? This was mine. High key hated myself for most of this year.  First semester was a very VERY low point for me specifically. Theatre still litty tho.

Junior Year: I realize I need to give a shit about grades in order to get accepted at my dream college USC. (Spoiler Alert: I Get Rejected) Theatre still litty. I get a job at Panera Bread

Senior Year: I got a girlfriend. College bullshit, I end up at Temple…

And now I just finished my Freshman Year at college and that whole two-semester orgy of fuckery will be my next blog post.

.          .          .

You may be thinking… “Boi no one asked, I still don’t really know you.”

Well bitch neither do I so get used to it!

*drops disco ball*

*’Fuck da Police’ acoustic cover plays in the background as I put on sunglasses with one lens missing*

Look, I’m 18. I’m a guy with a crippling self-esteem and most of my problems stem from that. I’m hesitant to commit to anything, I need consistent validation of my own worth because I don’t find any when I try. I’m overly critical of everything I do. I try way to hard to gain the approval of those around me. And all that stemmed from any negative experiences I remembered throughout my life. So I wrote all this because if you want to know me, you have to know what got me to become who I am. People are simply products of all the shit they previously dealt with. In a way our past is a bunch of mental scars. Noticeable marks of our past developing what our mental landscape looks like now.

I am currently an artist and I use my artistic efforts to eliminate all the negative emotions I repress into physical forms of ‘things’ so I’m not a walking husk of myself. That’s no fun.

So I make movies, often exaggerated autobiographies, I write poetry in attempts to articulate all of the shit I feel because I don’t understand what I feel fully. Yeah sure, happy, sad, in the middle but really comprehend why I feel things.

Recently I’ve been doing some serious mental changes and have managed to become more positive and less sulky.  It’s a process but I’m working on it. I mean aren’t we all?

So for now, that’s me I guess? The more I write, the more you may be able to understand about me.

So stay tuned, I still got a lot of shit to say.